sources say i may have just made things worse.

i really just want the world to be quiet.
my fingers have been hurting for the past couple days.
not for any particular reason... mainly dry cuticles and callus finger tips.

i didn't need to see you tonight.
i didn't need the day to become horrible.
i didn't need your eyes, your nose, your freckles...
i didn't need your careless laughter.
i didn't need your apathy.
i didn't need your lack of pity or lack of heart.
i didn't need your okay.

i want you hurt.
i want you crying.
i want you screaming for me in the night.
i want you breathless and hiding.
i want you scared.
i want you alone, timid, and uncertain.
i want your understanding.

i don't want to be me. i want to be different. i want to strong enough to hide my fears and desires. today was a day destined for failure, and with one fell swoop... destination reached.

i feel stupid.
it's almost five.
but i think i'm winning.
i've found a nice girl...
i just have to find a way to be okay with that.

a mist in the midst of drought.

first things first...
i was okay when had the girl that i loved...
now every second is physical therapy...
attempting to regain the ability to twitch, wiggle, extend, walk, run...
praying that by the time i learn how to stretch out my arms,
you would re-learn how to stretch out your arms.

i write here because it's less read...
but i post links to it get attention.

secondly...
i've come to fear that things may not get better...
at least not now. my desires are digressing...
the things i used to want are quietly exiting the stage.
i want simple.
to be brutally honest... i want my girlfriend back.
but we all know that's dream... and only a dream...
the kind that i'd rather not have...
the kind that i just want to wake up from and start the day.
.
.
.
.
.
home
i like it.
but i'm ready for my own.
even if it's just me, my dog, and plenty of room for us to run around.
.
.
.
.
.
i've been fearful of how things like this come across, but i don't force anyone to listen to what i say or read what i write...
.
this is me putting myself out there...if i die, i want everyone to know exactly what i was thinking.

live your life for those that you love.

i stopped.
then i began.
i guess you can say i started all over.
but i'm in the very same place.
i'm not getting any better...
but i'm not looking any worse.
i know where i'm going...
so i'm not scared of leaving earth.
you have no idea how much this hurts...
or how much love i have for you.

calling back lonely

belief
is what i believe
we're all missing
and we're leaving
all that's left to be.
believe me
i can clearly see
my blessings
but i refuse to see
me let you leave.
so i'll go on out before you
and try to barricade the door

i suppose we'll never know
what feeling sorry's like
but regret is always something
i know i'll never lack
as long as you're leaving
lonely will be knocking count on that.
he can leave the number on the door
but i won't be calling lonely back

confuse
me for a hoax
for knock knock joke
use me for a laugh
i will split your side
confused
is what you are
and what you'll always be...
until you believe
that you are for me
just don't lose hope

will there ever be a last time
that will be better than the last time?
i just hope a last time means you won't change your mind.
i can be better, and i can be good for you.
i can be everything...
your tears, your dreams...
everything you are to me.

i don't know what to say tonight.

with eyes to the sky
i can see our stars...
the two we chose
on your back porch.
now the sunshine is my biggest fear.
i wait for the west
to bring down the lights
and for the wind from the north
to blow the clouds from the sky
then it's clear as day
that best part of the night
is to see what is yours
sharing space with what's mine.

once, in the past
i left you for dead
and i'm reminded
when the night bring the dawn
i never knew i'd tear us apart
now i wait for the day
when we both find the page
the one that's ready for ink
then we'll start writing
the manuscript and tales
of the stars that can't fall apart
and we'll paint the stars
that fall together
but burn like they burned from the start.

to me we're all just full of our sins
and too naive to think that we can forgive
but to forget is our means to a win.
we won't say...
that we needed this.
we need to live.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i feel music bellowing up inside me.
i sing in my sleep. i play piano on countertops.
i scare myself.

God is the reason for my joy.
and i am alive because of that.

the past won't ever change...

i've got my demons...
i've got demons a plenty.
they keep me up.
they sell me short.
when i breathe, they breathe.
when i shine, they look for the lie.
in a day i will not crumble,
but in two i could die.
things don't have to stay the same.
a thief can always change.
he can give back everything he stole.
he could clean his dirty name.
dreams will be dreams
and that's all they'll ever be.
life isn't living until we wake up
and everything is not as it seems....

....

welcome back to the brick house on the corner.
we're remodeling.
strange things are afoot at the circle K ;)

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