sources say i may have just made things worse.

i really just want the world to be quiet.
my fingers have been hurting for the past couple days.
not for any particular reason... mainly dry cuticles and callus finger tips.

i didn't need to see you tonight.
i didn't need the day to become horrible.
i didn't need your eyes, your nose, your freckles...
i didn't need your careless laughter.
i didn't need your apathy.
i didn't need your lack of pity or lack of heart.
i didn't need your okay.

i want you hurt.
i want you crying.
i want you screaming for me in the night.
i want you breathless and hiding.
i want you scared.
i want you alone, timid, and uncertain.
i want your understanding.

i don't want to be me. i want to be different. i want to strong enough to hide my fears and desires. today was a day destined for failure, and with one fell swoop... destination reached.

i feel stupid.
it's almost five.
but i think i'm winning.
i've found a nice girl...
i just have to find a way to be okay with that.