sources say i may have just made things worse.

i really just want the world to be quiet.
my fingers have been hurting for the past couple days.
not for any particular reason... mainly dry cuticles and callus finger tips.

i didn't need to see you tonight.
i didn't need the day to become horrible.
i didn't need your eyes, your nose, your freckles...
i didn't need your careless laughter.
i didn't need your apathy.
i didn't need your lack of pity or lack of heart.
i didn't need your okay.

i want you hurt.
i want you crying.
i want you screaming for me in the night.
i want you breathless and hiding.
i want you scared.
i want you alone, timid, and uncertain.
i want your understanding.

i don't want to be me. i want to be different. i want to strong enough to hide my fears and desires. today was a day destined for failure, and with one fell swoop... destination reached.

i feel stupid.
it's almost five.
but i think i'm winning.
i've found a nice girl...
i just have to find a way to be okay with that.

a mist in the midst of drought.

first things first...
i was okay when had the girl that i loved...
now every second is physical therapy...
attempting to regain the ability to twitch, wiggle, extend, walk, run...
praying that by the time i learn how to stretch out my arms,
you would re-learn how to stretch out your arms.

i write here because it's less read...
but i post links to it get attention.

secondly...
i've come to fear that things may not get better...
at least not now. my desires are digressing...
the things i used to want are quietly exiting the stage.
i want simple.
to be brutally honest... i want my girlfriend back.
but we all know that's dream... and only a dream...
the kind that i'd rather not have...
the kind that i just want to wake up from and start the day.
.
.
.
.
.
home
i like it.
but i'm ready for my own.
even if it's just me, my dog, and plenty of room for us to run around.
.
.
.
.
.
i've been fearful of how things like this come across, but i don't force anyone to listen to what i say or read what i write...
.
this is me putting myself out there...if i die, i want everyone to know exactly what i was thinking.

live your life for those that you love.

i stopped.
then i began.
i guess you can say i started all over.
but i'm in the very same place.
i'm not getting any better...
but i'm not looking any worse.
i know where i'm going...
so i'm not scared of leaving earth.
you have no idea how much this hurts...
or how much love i have for you.