there's this one scene i keep thinking about.

that's the bad thing about having a scripted life.

Act IV
Scene 3

action!

or at least that's what we hope and pray for.
a calm stare comes across the face of the boy.
he can't help it. he knows it's not a big deal.
his thoughts are different now. he knows.
he's fixed himself... he was broken.
can you blame him? can anyone blame him?
can God blame him?
he blames God, but immediately changes his mind.
it's not hitting him like it used to.
it's better that way. now he can breath without gasping for air.
now he can eat without the nausea. now he can walk without a buried head.
now he can look at a day without squinted eyes.
now he can relax his clinched teeth and knuckles that have become white fists.
he can sleep without the pain. he can sleep without haunted dreams.
he can sleep.
but he doesn't want to.
his dreams are the worst part of his day.

and my tummy hearts too.

it's boiling right now. i feel like something is growing.

i missed the moon tonight. it was there in a silent sky.

i could see the glow making everything clear in the dark.

on the road home, i was trying to catch a glimpse, 

but i suppose it was right overhead.

had my headlights been off, i could have still made it home safe.

i never looked up though. i tried in the car, but i never looked up afterwards.

i should have. i bet it would have been amazing.

spring should be here soon... that'll be nice to see some flowers again.

then summer... and then we can all run around with our shirts off.

we'll stand tall with our flip flops 

and be proud with our skin that's turns as brown as the indians that started us all.

i cannot wait. i just want to stay here in this town all summer.

soak up the sun. let it all out at night.

just have a nice time. i want everyone back.

i want everything back. i lost it all in october,

but i'll be damned if lost means gone for good.

and it was quiet as a court room right after the gavel swing.

it tickles my fancy so much i cry.

i fall, i wink, i pass out, i'm laughing.

one second it's dandy, one day it's cold.

we trashed a calendar that thought it could talk.

big, big, big ordeals. great big scenes.

everyone was an actor. no one was a star.

no stories here. it was a one floor apartment.

cry them a river. i throw them one up.

we never know what hits us, and we know no addictions.

i itch for no one, at anytime for no thing.

swing low sweet chariot and save this for me.

i've got nothing left... no halos, no wings.

La, La, La

so what do you say?
are you in, or are you out?
i could float like this for hours.
i could live inside your pocket.

if i were a being of any kind of sort,
i'd want to be a ghost with no prints.
smooth toes, smooth thumbs, and no face to recall.
they'd know nothing as to where i've been.

if tragedy struck and you had to pass,
i promise... we'd both go down together.
i can't think of walking away on my own.
and you know you cannot do it alone.

we'd vouch for every last deed we had done.
we'd have each other's backs for the songs we had sung.
we'll both have a list of the fibs that we'd told.
i'll take yours if you'll take mine.

well, well, well...

i stand 5'6" on a good day.

my hair is nothing like what it once was.

i'm skinny. my facial hair is patchy.

i dream of being a pirate or a knight.

i want to be wanted, but girls like that don't exist around these parts.

the weather is never what i want it to be.

the only way to feel secure in this world is to have money.

i let people down on a daily basis,

but i've never let myself get back up.

i never make a decision without asking for help...

and i never take the advice that i'm given.

i have no secrets. i tell them all...

usually when i'm drunk... or i'm just wanting attention.

and i get attention.

i'm 4 years out of high school... and i haven't accomplished a thing.

i do this thing where all i do is talk.

i don't remember birthdays, i don't remember names,

i can usually remember people's favorite colors...

even if i don't care about them.

my friends would probably never hurt me...

but i think they might kill me... slowly.

i wonder if trust is real.

faith i know all about... but trust.

people lie... i try not to.

i steal... but only when i need to.

i'm ready to see if i will ever follow through with a single thing i plan to do in life,

or will i row, row, row my boat gently down the stream?

merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily...

life is but a dream?

how do you like me now?

i'm sick. you're sick. we're all dying.

brb...

ok.

so how old were you when you  realized that the ocean really wasn't inside of a sea shell?

i always thought there was something there... like what if i shouted loud enough?

could some kid just like me be playing on a beach 3,000 miles away hear me?

that's what i always thought about sea shells.

i realized about 5 minutes ago that there is absolutely nothing inside them... i put my ear in it as far as it would go. all i could hear was the echo of my home's air conditioner in the background. it's fun to think about though.

i already have a livejournal, a xanga, a myspace, and a facebook. they are all outlets for a blog or whatever, but i guess you can never have too many outlets... only too many inlets. if you have too many inlets, you might get so much inside... you'll just explode.

With this one, I'll try and improve my grammar and typing etiquette. I'll capitalize and punctuate when necessary, and I will also decrease the usage of internet slang. i.e. LOL, BRB, TTYL, ROFLCOPTER.

That will be enough of that.

I've been sick for the past few days and had plenty of time to think about the rest of my life. I wake up and feel okay about the direction it's going. Around lunch, I get hungry and desperate. In the afternoon, I get fed up and angry, and by bedtime... I lie awake for hours.

There's this huge gap between where I am now, and where the fork in the road is. It's almost like one of those "ACME" holes that Wyle E. Coyote uses. As I tip-toe around the circumference of the hole, I patiently wait for a breeze to blow me off balance and send my world head over heels into oblivion.

I wait... but for now... I tip-toe.

I have to take a shower now, but before I go, I'm going to do something that I plan to do at the end of all these things. I'm going to leave you with a bit of wisdom. Just imagine me as a white Reverend Run.

Don't go on too long letting others lead your life for you. Make your own decisions, and make your own mistakes. Just don't do drugs. Live good.

Right now, I just want to sing, but I can't because my throat hurts too badly.

i love everyone single one of you.